Tiny Towels

Nothing feels so inadequate as a tiny, thin hospital towel after a shower. After having four hospital stays with each of our baby’s births I should have seen it coming but, lo and behold I was surprised once again.

This morning the nurse generously handed me an assorted stack of towels and inevitably I ended up mistaking the body towel for the floor towel and was left with, what I consider, a glorified washcloth to dry myself. It worked. I prefer the ultra plush super absorbent extra large bath wrap but amazingly enough the scratchy overused tea towel did the job again.

As I laughed at my recurrent absentmindedness I realized that this is how I felt about Maggie’s hand surgery, yesterday to today and everything around it. I felt like the Lord handed me a washcloth to deal with a flood. I felt inadequately prepared and a bit abandoned.

I walked into Maggie’s skull surgery with a confidence that I couldn’t match this time around. The morning of her surgery I told Carlos, “I feel blank. I am not worried but I feel blank.” Carlos suggested it might be peace but it wasn’t. I felt like I was in a big empty room, calling out for God and instead of Him barging in and filling up the room with radiant light I was only met with the echo of my own prayers.

Deep inside, deep deep down I knew He was there, I knew He was present, just quiet. He was handing me the grace moment by moment rather than all up front. For what reason…in all likelihood my fear. My fear that if I shouted louder, He wouldn’t answer, if I went looking for Him, He wouldn’t be there. Instead He fed me with crumbs through the bottom of the door.

The truth is that God NEVER pulls away. He is the patient father who waits with open arms for the son to return. He is the good father that gives bread when his child asks for something to eat. He is the loving father who waits with open arms for the child to come down out of the tree. He always draws close, as close as we let Him.

So now as we sit waiting outside the operating room for the second time, I am throwing open the door to Him. I trust you Lord. I trust you and even when I don’t want to, I trust you.

I have had the verse of a praise and worship song stuck in my head since yesterday and I wanted to sing it with my whole heart but I think my guardian angels and all of you were able to sing it more loudly.

“Let it rain, let it rain, open the floodgates of Heaven!”