His Eye is On the Sparrow

This week we are scheduled for appointments and surgery. We rescheduled Maggie’s syndactyly release a month ago but I hesitated to share it. It feels like every week brings something new in the world and so I wasn’t sure if this surgery was really going to happen. In light of Covid19, our experience is a bit different this time around, Telemed meetings, masks, and a nasal swab test for Maggie. I would say that this new stuff is stressful but honestly, I am most nervous about her going back for surgery.

Last night, I dreamed that my teeth fell out, and then I dreamed that I woke up relieved that it was only a dream and then my teeth fell out again. Thankfully, the third time I woke up was reality, and I still had all my teeth. This is my stress dream; it is the one I have when things in life feel out of hand. I try to hide my stress and push it aside; for Maggie’s surgeries I wait until the week before to start thinking about the details.

That time between surgery prep and when they take her back to the operating room feels like we are walking through quicksand. I find myself holding my breathe, “Is she going to start crying because she wants to eat and I am refusing to nurse her?” We get her to sleep and pray that she remains asleep in order to hand her off to the anesthesiologist quietly, and so every sound or conversation is painful because “If she wakes up will we have to give our crying child to a stranger and let them walk away with her?”. I find myself struggling with wanting to hold her and give her a million kisses and letting Carlos hold her because I don’t think I could handle Maggie clasping onto me while I hand her to a doctor.

All of the questions and “ifs” keep me busy and put a lump in my throat. They humble me because I haven’t learned yet. I haven’t remembered that the He is God and I am not; He must increase and I must decrease. All my worry and anxiety will produce nothing but my trust and hope in Him always brings peace and goodness. He is ever faithful in everything. There has never been one place in my life that I have ever been abandoned by God, that He has ever turned away from me or refused to supply me with the grace I needed in order to persevere. No matter how many times I question, He reminds me that He is worthy of my trust.

I know that right now, we are not the only ones walking in a dark valley. There are a lot of things going on and I know every single one of us has so many questions and very few answers. I also know that He has everything in His hands and that picking up our cross is part of the solution. I know that you all have helped Maggie and our family carry our cross and it has made all the difference. Your sacrifices and love have manifested miracles. He has heard your prayers, received your sacrifices and like the power of the cross has created new life. Being in this privileged place of suffering, we want to carry your cross too. We will be carrying you and your families into the hospital with us, and we will be praying for grace to pour itself on this nation and the world. If you have something weighing on you we want to help you carry it, send us a private message and we will pray for you and your intentions by name during our time in the waiting room. If you have any hesitation about sending us your petition, think of it this way, give us the joy that Maggie has given you.